Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
