I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
