i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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