mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
