I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
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Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
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