Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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