the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
