I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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