The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
