Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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