hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
