nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
