Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
