Someone shit on the floor
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
