Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
