I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
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I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
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He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize