her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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