Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
