it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
