Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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