just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
