dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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