Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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