I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize