did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
