If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
