mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Is Oprah even human
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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