If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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