Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
