Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
