I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
