I wish I could punch you in the face.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
