Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
