all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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