he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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