i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
