so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
this hospital has no fireball
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
