You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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