Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i think i have two assholes
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
