24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
