today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
