if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
