If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
