when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
