the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
My liver just broke up with me...
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
