**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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