if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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