I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
