Can i not drive my cunt home
How drunk are you??
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
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Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
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I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."