she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.