Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
