do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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