paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
