just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
