I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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